she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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