When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
