Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Randomize
