I hate your face
You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
We need to rekindle our bromance
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Randomize
