So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
