Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
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i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
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You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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