Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
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