so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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