matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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