How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
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