What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
She said her name was "party"
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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