i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
you made out with another girl for some wings
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
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