Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
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i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
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The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
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