tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
pop tarts are not kleenex
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Randomize
