there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
