I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Randomize
