who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
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