took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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