OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
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