listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Randomize
