So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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