I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
it felt great physically, but AWFUL morally.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
