well I can't set my house on fire every night
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
