I'm lost and stupid without you.
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
