i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
Randomize
