May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
My dick has a subreddit
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
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