I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
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But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
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I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
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