Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
