So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
he thought i was a dude.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
