I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
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