Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Randomize
