I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
