i don't like sucking hair
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
