Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
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