Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
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