with your own penis?
whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
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