dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
