hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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