I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
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your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
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I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.