What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
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He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
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I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened