my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
