Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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