i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Randomize
