So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
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