i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
