whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Randomize
