saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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