is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
