if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Randomize
