Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
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