I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
In other news, I just burned my penis
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Randomize
