She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
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You. Win. At. Life.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
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