tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
