Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
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