This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
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