Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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