I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
