She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
