Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
